Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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