When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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