life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
