Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
