there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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