apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
