I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
