I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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