You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize