thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
