I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
