I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
