I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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