So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
