my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
nutella sex= disaster
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
two words...techno handjob
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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