Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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