Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
