Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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