I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
