I can tuck mytits in my pants
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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