My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
