Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
