And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
