turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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