hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize