I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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