That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just want to make out with him forever
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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