You're my little dorito
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
