Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
