There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
