um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
