I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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