i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
