You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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