Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and she was petting her beer can
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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