Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
