I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
