You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
