Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
