Betty ford says i'm here all night
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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