Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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