Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
