One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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