Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
