You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
