I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
