I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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