So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
