I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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