Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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