Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
