My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
