she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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