So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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