the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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