If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
