This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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