we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
