I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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