I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
