Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
