I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
