awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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