i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
