we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
