My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
