I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I touched a dick in church today
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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